bipolar parent

A Thank You Letter to My Husband for Helping me Manage my Bipolar Disorder

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Dear Greeneyes,

Thank you for being patient.

Thank you for being patient with me as my moods ravaged me and stressed our relationship. Thank you for being patient with me as I suffered that postpartum breakdown and scared you. Thank you for being patient with me as I learned how to survive and even thrive afterwards.

I’m sorry I’m not the person you expected to marry. I wish I were her, and I’m trying to get back to that person again. Thank you for being patient with me while I relearn who I was and try to capture her essence.

I appreciate so much the fact that you stuck by my all this time through my various trials and tribulations, challenges that made you suffer as well as me. I am so grateful to you for being my first and most stalwart supporter.

Thank you for supporting me financially for so many years and allowing me to afford and use the mental health professionals and medications I needed to stabilize. That’s such a great boon to me; I know many people who are desperate to find a therapist but cannot afford one. Your working for over a decade at a job you don’t like helped me more than I can even conceptualize.

Thank you for encouraging me to follow my dreams of getting my counseling degree and becoming a therapist to help people manage their mental illnesses. I want to support you in your dreams, so thank you for letting me follow mine first so I can do that.

Thank you for listening to me gush about subjects that you have no interest in. You’re a fantastic listener, and I’ve often made your eyes glaze over by discussing my psychology courses or various friendship dramas. I will learn how to reign myself in for your sake.

Thank you for being a solid parent to our children. As you know, I often lose my temper and you are the patient one who steps in and smooths things over. Your presence as a father to our kids is so important in their lives, modeling to them appropriate behavior for every area of their lives, especially how to treat other people.

Thank you for teaching me so much. I’ve learned a range of subjects including computer science, math, baking, video games, things of a spiritual nature, how to be reliable, how to be patient, and how to love.

Finally, thank you for loving me. Thank you for always acting in my best interest even when it pained you or made you uncomfortable. Thank you for teaching me what love really means. Thank you for protecting me from the evils of the world and enabling me to blossom.

I love you. You are my rock, my love, and I would not be as happy as I am without you.

Cass

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bipolar parent

Dear Younger Me: You’re Bipolar, and That’s Okay

Dear Younger Me,
If someone were to tell you that by age 33, you would have a diagnosis of bipolar I, you wouldn’t be surprised. You would be surprised, however, at the fact that you have the wherewithal to treat your mental illness, both emotionally and financially.

You wouldn’t be surprised at the soul-sucking depression you feel now. You would be surprised that you haven’t felt this way in years, and that you are a productive, usually happy, stable woman. You’d be shocked at the fact that the meds have worked so well to control your bipolar disorder up until this point, and that adjusting them isn’t a major problem in your life.

You wouldn’t be surprised that you are a writer. After all, you’ve been writing since you were four and knew how to scribble letters, and wrote your debut “novel,” The Fish. You would be surprised that you are a) married to a wonderful man who would die for you, b) have kids, and c) stay home to take care of your kids. You’d be shocked to know you’re an amazing mother, with healthy, compassionate children.

cassandra stout photo
A closeup photo of author, Cassandra Stout, facing left. Protected under a Creative Commons license.

You wouldn’t be surprised to know that you are still attending the same church you grew up in, the church of Christ. You would be surprised at how much closer to God you’ve become. You’d be shocked to recognize how much He has guided your life, and worked out all things for good.

Younger me, you will be happy someday. You’ll escape the narrow-minded bullies of your small town, and establish yourself in a big city 2000 miles away. You’ll survive college–barely. You’ll suffer a postpartum psychotic breakdown, but that won’t stop you. You’ll just write a book about it.

Younger me, you have so much life ahead of you. A good life. Thank you for not giving up. You will face so many challenges and come out on top. Your grit, determination, and prayers will see you through.

Don’t give up. Don’t give up.

Love,
Cassandra Stout

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